Things that piss me off
No pictures with blurred faces, no videos, nothing. Here is a quick and dirty list of the fashion missteps I see every day that hock me off.
1. Buying the cheapest designer bag imaginable
Congratulations. We’re so impressed that you went to Gucci/Louis/Dior/Burberry and bought the least-expensive bag you could. Oh, was a canvas tote all they had available? Did it just scream to you, “Buy me! I will fulfill all your needs. You’ll never need to buy another designer bag again!” Or did it say, “I’m the cheapest pseudo-status symbol in the store. Everyone and their mother carries me. Buy me and everyone around you will think you have good taste.”
I know it’s not your fault. These tricky designers are profiting on your insecurity and aspirational tendencies by offering second-class goods. They show $3000+ goods on the runway but sell $600 fabric bags with “iconic” logos/webbing/horse bits/colors in the store. I don’t blame you. It’s wonderful to say, “Oh, I have a Gucci bag.” But when the bag you have is the one everyone in the store laughs at, it’s not really an accomplishment.
2. Irony is dead. Move on.
3. Fake anything
Who do you think you’re fooling? Those of us who know (i.e., those you’re trying to impress) can spot you a mile away. We know what Chanel, Balenciaga and Louis cost, and we can accurately sum up the total value of your Old Navy sweatshirt and jeans. We know it’s fake. So what are you trying to prove? You do realize that by sporting a fake you are diluting the very thing you ascribe to. If you can’t afford it, you have no business toting it. Sorry ’bout it.
4. Boys will be girls
Do they know how that eyebrow waxing ruins their face? How the Chanel sunglasses are a turnoff? That their capris say, “I have no need for an Y chromosome”? That their mincing, affected ways make them unappealing to the very creatures they hope to seduce? To reference the great Quentin Crisp, there is no “Great Dark Man” who wants a dyed, powdered, lipsticked wisp.
5. Leggings are a privilege, not a right. Remember, cellulite is only magnified.
I fear this has become an epidemic. “Vintage,” “individualism” and “self-expression” have mutated to become synonymous with “hideous.” I walk down the street and can’t help but shake my head and wonder what these people were thinking when they got up that morning. Yes, you’re an art student. Yes, you’re young. But that’s no reason to look like a monster.
So many people I encounter say, “Oh, I can’t afford stylish clothes. I don’t have that kind of money.” Well, 1) You’re going to a private art school and majoring in dance. Something tells me you and your family aren’t eating Spam every night. 2) Want to be stylish, timeless and fit in anywhere? Well then, you need four things.
1) Go to Target and buy a 5-pack of Fruit of the Loom or Hanes undershirts (crew neck or v-neck—your choice). $9.99
2) Go to Macys and buy a pair of 510 or 511 jeans in a solid, dark wash. You’re out $39.99 tops.
3) Go to Aldo/Macys/H&M/Zara and buy a pair of simple, black shoes or sneakers. I’ll even say they can be fabric or leather. But keep it simple. $40
4) Is it winter? Go to Macys/H&M/Zara/American Apparel and buy a cotton cardigan or a wool crew neck/and or v-neck. $40 tops
You’re done. Wear this every day, anywhere. To class, to a party, to a restaurant. No one can say you look bad. Simple as that.
(And you’re not the beautiful, unique, artistic snowflake you think you are. You’re just as common with your ear stretchers and facial piercings and pink hair as without. These things do not make you special. You’re hiding behind them and you know it.)
7. Uggs anything.
There’s no excuse for that. None.
8. Whenever in doubt, keep it black, keep it trim, and add a layer or two.
9. Just because your cologne/perfume is cheap doesn’t give you permission to wear more of it. Spare us.
10. Don’t be afraid to spend money on the basics. Some of my favorite pieces are simple $500 black sweaters, $300 white shirts and $800 black pants. They’re perfectly made, perfectly cut and will last me a lifetime. Yes, I had to eat ramen for a while, but I never have to worry about owning black pants again.