“Yeah, but how is he in bed?”
Whether you’re at fashion school for design or merchandising, the principle of dress as a form of nonverbal communication is drilled into you from Day 1. We are reminded that what we put on our backs is a reflection of who we are, that the world—to varying degrees—reads something into the fact that we chose to wear a thrifted wolf sweater over acid-washed jeans in a done-to-death display of irony or a simple white shirt and black tie. Yes, clothing speaks volumes.
At the same time, fashion (mostly in terms of runway shows and ad campaigns) is also about sex and using your entire appearance—clothes, hair, constant vacuous expression—to attract a potential partner. This concept sometimes gets a bit lost in the realms of high fashion, where designer ideals and aesthetics blur the line between dressing to make a statement about one’s allegiance to a particular camp (the Modernists in Klein and Sander, the Romantic Historians in Westwood and McQueen, et al) and dressing to get laid. I can’t image anyone ever got lucky because they were wearing Comme des Garçons.
In any event, I thought it would be amusing to take a standout look from a handful of A/W 12-13 collections and try to imagine what a sexual experience with that person would be like based solely on how they’re dressed. Don’t laugh. We do it every day. Or at least I do…
The Collection: Acne
2 Cent Review: A bit darker than usual with some strong pops of color. Sophisticated with a touch of minimalism. In other words, very Swedish
The Look: #20
The Verdict: Well, I’m presuming he’s Swedish, which is always a good thing in the bedroom. Don’t rush it. Four layers leaves plenty of time for foreplay.
The Collection: Dolce & Gabbana
2 Cent Review: Rife with multiple historical references and British, German and Asian elements (and many pieces that will never ever make it to retail)
The Look: #37
The Verdict: Looks like Frederick has returned from the front fighting those pesky French. I’m picturing a bearskin rug, a fireplace, and a few bruises.
The Collection: Burberry Prorsum
2 Cent Review: Bailey reins it in after an envelope-pushing spring collection.
The Look: #4
The Verdict: Sure, he’s buttoned up and very smart looking. But like so many British men, there’s a slightly twisted side just below the surface. Check out those gloves. A slap or two across the cheek with those and it’s “Yes, Gov’nor!”
The Collection: Rick Owens
2 Cent Review: A much more tailored and grown-up showing for the king of drapey youthful angst
The Look: #37
The Verdict: They do say anorexics like to wear baggy clothing. Or he’s so shy he needs to be able to simply shrug his shoulders to disappear. Either way, I’ll pass. Who needs the hassle?
The Collection: Dries Van Noten
2 Cent Review: Phenomenal prints balanced with understated neutrals
The Look: #30
The Verdict: He’s got balls. Enough said.
The Collection: Hermès
2 Cent Review: Dark, monochromatic, perfect
The Look: # 32
The Verdict: Yeah, he’s wearing an Hermès crocodile shirt. He can do whatever he wants to me and I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine with it.
The Collection: Givenchy
2 Cent Review: I still don’t know who besides Kanye is buying this stuff
The Look: #27
The Verdict: Take it from me: You don’t want to cross a black man wearing a skirt, cuz they will mess you up. And besides, he looks very respectful of sexual boundaries. To quote Lou Reed: “Take a walk on the wild side.”
The Collection: Adam Kimmel
2 Cent Review: Well, at least he got rid of the jumpsuits. Oh, wait, found one!
The Look: #14
The Verdict: “Um…yeah, breath play can be…fun. Or is that one of those popper masks I’ve heard so much about?”
The Collection: Martin Margiela
2 Cent Review: Fantastic, as always (And I’ll every say anything else)
The Look: #20
The Verdict: 1) “I DO like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain!” 2) Ironically, he’s out of rubbers
The Collection: Prada
2 Cent Review: Stiff, awkward and anachronistic
The Look: #21
The Verdict: Stiff, awkward and anachronistic
The Collection: Jil Sander
2 Cent Review: How many lambs, cows, and goats were killed in the making of this collection?
The Look: #19
The Verdict: Judging by his expression, ensemble, and that ominous-looking leather lunch bag, I’m guessing anyone going home with him is never seen or heard from again.